The Incongruous and Contradictory Nature of Surrender

Equal parts of joy and sadness, fear and hope, laughter and tears. Jesus, in the garden of Gethsemane, wanted the cup of the cross to pass so badly that he prayed fiercely as sweat, thick as blood dropped from his body. Yet, when faced with the idea of pleasing his father, he quickly added, "Not my will, but yours be done!"

After he was buried and risen, the women who visited the tomb, were greeted by the angel who told them the Christ whom they seek is not here but has risen and they should go to Jerusalem to tell and encourage the Brethen. The women were equally full of fear and full of great joy but they rushed in obedience to do what the Angel said.

That's the nature of surrender. The dying of the flesh produces sadness or fear. The flesh wants what it wants and will be sad when it does not get its way. The flesh doesn't want to do what seems harmful or dangerous and will produce fear to prevent obedience. But the fragrance of surrender is sweet to our father because it shows him that we do indeed trust him and will push past the flesh and in fact offer it up to him, bound and crucified as a sacrifice.

This incongruity. This contradiction. This tension is where I find myself. Incongruity is defined as not in harmony or keeping with the surroundings or other aspects of something and a contradiction is a combination of statements, ideas, or features of a situation that are opposed to one another. "Not in harmony" and "opposed to one another" yup, that describes the struggle between my flesh and my faith; my Self and my Spirit; my wants and His wishes. As they say, the struggle is so real!

Many years ago, I prayed one of those dangerous prayers, the one that you only pray if you are between a rock and a hard place, if you are betwixt and between and are ready for whatever may come. You see, my husband was saved, but not surrendered to Christ. He had fire protection from Hell, but not a growing, deepening relationship with the Lord. As his wife and one who had come to experience the peace that comes from total submission to the Lord, I wanted that for the person I loved more than anyone in the world, my husband. So one morning, out on the porch I prayed a scary prayer. I closed my eyes, held onto the railings of the porch and with a mix of fear and faith, prayed

"Lord, do whatever you need to do to get my husband's attention. Make him into the man you desire him to be."

Sensing, even then what the cost might be, I quickly added, "please spare his life!" because all those years ago, I had a sinking feeling of what the Lord would have to do, and I was afraid.

After losing his office, a new surprise baby and a foreclosure and bankruptcy plus many years of "life", the prayer was finally answered, but not in the way I hoped. First, God had to make me into the woman He desired me to be before he was able to reach my husband. Looking back, I understand why He had to do it that way. First he had to produce in me the fruit of PureLove in order for me to be a vessel he could use to minister to my husband. My flesh had to be sacrificed in order to make more room for the Spirit. Once I was washed with the Word and bearing the fruit of unconditional love, the scene was set for the tool the Lord would use to shape my husband into his God given purpose.

Late one night, after the cancer diagnoses and the internet's grim prognosis my husband woke me up with tears streaming down his face. I could barely understand what he was trying to say.

"I'm alright with Jesus!! Jesus and I are good! The Lord and I are straight! It had to be cancer. He had to use that. I wasn't coming to him any other way!"

Incongruent. The very thing that he was afraid of, God used to bring him into deeper knowledge of Himself.  Inconsistant. In order to save him, the Lord had to take him.

So now, as a widow, I bear the scar of surrender. Its most unusual. The very thing that bought me to this place of sadness called widowhood, is also the very thing I rejoice over. If it took cancer to make my husband into the man the Lord desired him to be and it was also the very thing that killed him, I'm thankful. I so deeply loved him, that I wanted God's best for him, even if that included him having to leave me. Tears when I think of my children missing their Daddy, tears of worship when I think how much the Lord loved him and that my husband is there with him now.

Incongruent and most contradictory, indeed.